you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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