Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
My underwear smells like fireworks.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
