I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
