If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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