i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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