I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
