I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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