I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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