You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
as a side note pls kill me
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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