there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
