Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
