Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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