I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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