You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
