K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
