Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
