i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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