I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
