My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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