btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
