On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
