is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
