rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
