Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
