I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
