I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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