But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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