hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
