I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
