proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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