Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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