Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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