I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
