I wannas sexs uuuuu
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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