he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I can't turn off my feet"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear