Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
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Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
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We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...