I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
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I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
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I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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