can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?