i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
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It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
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Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen