Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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