Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
