why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
