well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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