I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
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The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
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I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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