did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
