in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
that may or may not have been my penis.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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