i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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