Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
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I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
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I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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