I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
