you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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