I can tuck mytits in my pants
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
