We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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