yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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