Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
