uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She told me I should be a condom model.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
