i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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