Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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