At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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